A whore:

So Friday carina tells me that she'll take me to the renaissance faire if I give her gas money.
Yesterday I get picked up from Paul's and I tell carina bri was going with us. And ten both her and my mom start yelling at me saying they're not doing it because I said next week, when next week carina isn't even going to be here. Why would I ask her to take me next week if I knew she wasn't going to be here? So my mom begins to tell me that I ask for too much, and never give anything in return. That I won't amount to anything and I'll I've done is disrespect them and give them hell.
So I said, maybe you should of thought twice before opening your legs. Then you wouldn't of had me, and you wouldn't of had to bother with me. Or maybe should of left me at the hospital.
You should of let me die.
Then she said "at least I don't open my legs for every guy I've met. You let them use you an treat you like the whore you are"
"At least when I opened my legs, it was someone I married"
This morning Liz started to bitch at me because I had out up "my mom called me a slut" up on Facebook. Saying my mom didn't. So I told her to go ask her for herself. And she did. Then comes to my room and proceeds to botch at me that the only reason I was acting like that was because tet weren't taking me to the faire. But she wasn't there.. How would she know what went on? How could she possibly know how deep my mom cut me? So I'm a liar because I told the truth and decided to deny it, and place them blame on me...

So last night I couldn't put my knife down. I felt so low. I felt so betrayed. I felt so worthless. It took every ounce of being I had left to not drag that blade across my skin, to not let this old demon of mine win. I know that even now it clings to my back, it clings to my mind, begging me to do it.
But at the same time another voice is yelling at me to fight it. Another voice is trying to grasp what was left of me and save me.

:)

So today j went to the renaissance faire and went to the gelato stand to say Hi to Nathan, and he pulls me up to kiss him x3 /flail
And when he gets off work for lunch he pulled me to him and the first words out of his mouth were I Love You x3!!!! An then he gave me a little pewter figurine of a baby griffon /double flail

Im so happy it should be illegal.
Ive been in and out of the depressing rut, and every time I'm out of it, it's because something he had said or done, that fills me with so much joy, that it makes me wonder how I could of been so lucky to have someone like him to call mine. I don't even know how to repay him for all the things he has done for me <333

.-.

He was invited to a movie. I'm assuming it was /M who invited him. She's always inviting him to movies cuz she works at the theater.
They watched The Words. A romance/drama. I'm bothered.

C:

I needed that pick me up. I've been feeling so glum that I just needed him to reassure me that he loves me. I feel a lot better. Yesterday may have been the last day to spend that much time with him, but it was a day well spent <3
For the next five weeks, he'll be working at the renaissance faire, 80 minutes away in gilroy. So he's goong to try to come over Friday mornings and I'm going to try to go to the faire to see him on Sundays c: -flail- it will be my first renafaire. He says there are going to be a lot of people flirting with everyone 0.o
I'm going to try to flirt with my own boyfriend xD I dont even know how to to flirt. But it should be an interesting experience. He promised he'd behave so I believe him. It should still be fun :D
I love you <3
/J

But somehow

Those 3 words makes everything alright. I love you <3

In cant keep my emotions in check

I'm going crazy. What the hell is wrong with me?

Doubt

I'm not sure if i am doubting myself, or if I'm doubting him. I'm questioning my worth, as his girlfriend. So far I haven't been good enough for anyone. I've always been left in the dust.

Hi. My name is Jasmine. And I have the habit at picking apart a perfectly fine relationship.

So I've had a few boyfriend, not many serious. Only a couple lasted this long. But the result in all of them, was the same. They left me for someone else. Why do I feel like I'm not enough for anyone? Is it the repeating pattern?

Hi. My name Jasmine and I have insecurity issue.

Cravings

I went outside durning lunch. The lunch room was crowded for some reason.

There were too many people smoking in the area. I really wanted one to calm my shot nerves. I haven't wanted one this bad since the mishap at UProar. I'm not going to bum one off of someone. If there was only one person out here I would. Maybe. Ugh. Why, maybe I've gotten to the point where I'm so stressed that I need another outlet. Maybe this blog isn't enough.

<3

Every day I feel a little closer to you. To be honest. I think I can picture myself getting married to you one day. I know marriage is the farthest thing from your mind, but I'm wondering if you've ever thought of some future with me. Not marriage, or kids. But. Just a simple future, together, me and you. I'm afraid to ask. I love you, but I'm afraid to let you know just how much I really do. I fear that of I let that one bit out, you'll turn around and leave. Prove me wrong. Prove to me that you're with me for real. That your serious. That this isn't temporary. Ncan you do that for me? Can you put my mind at ease?

Things right now are a bit crazy. I think these things, and get a little clingy, or too affectionate. It's been a while since I've been in a relationship that has lasted this long, and first time I've been in one with someone, so perfect, like you. By the time we pass our first year i'll relax, but right now I'll either clinger tighter or try to push you away. Don't let me push you away. Please. I'm just scared. I'm scared that I'll fall so hard for you, that I'll love you so much, that if you leave... The ground will be ripped from under my feet and the air would be sucked from my lungs.

I'm not trying to be over dramatic. I just have a certain way of explaining things.

I love you, and you might never know just how much I do... <3
/J

Ps: I'm sorry if this post seems jumbled up.

It's been too long--

I haven't written in a while. Mainly because I forgot my password (I always do that), but a lot has happened. A quick summary since last time:
-i became friends with my ex's current girlfriend, she's actually really sweet. Sad to say though, I think she deserves someone better.
-I frayed the strings between my ex and I. The only thing keeping us in "contact" with each other is the fact that he's practically living with /T
-currently, Nathan and I have been together a little over 10 months, and are looking forward to our anniversary.
-I finally told him I loved him. After trying so hard to say it for months, he finally coaxed it out of me. The first man I've said it to since... Well since /he who is nameless/. Maybe I'm not cursed after all. Maybe Nathan will be the one to prove me wrong. He has so far, and I love him for it. Just as he loves me <3

More later<3
/J