------

I'm depressed
I feel useless

Worthless
Maybe I need help.
All I know is that I can’t stop crying.
I don’t know how to be happy anymore
My room is a mess

I look like a slob
I can’t bring myself to fix it

Or fix myself

I don’t know how.
Sure. I’ll go out, put on a little make up. But te smaller things upset me, and I can’t even pinpoint the reason why. I can’t even explain why.
--I’m afraid it’s going to ruin my relationship. And I'll end up losing him and end up alone like I've always fear. I know I can't survive losing someone else in my life, especially someone this important to me...--
I don’t know how to fix this

And it’s eating me.
I can’t talk to my parents. I’ve tried before
Tried to explain. 
They don’t understand.
“You don’t have a reason to be depressed”
“You don’t know what stress is”
And then it turns into a lecture. And I feel even worse
“He isn’t going to want you anymore when he see’s how worthless you are. You can’t keep a household. “

“When he sees the kind of person you are, he’s going to leave, and find someone prettier.”
—-
An then there’s the nightmares.. 
Some nights I wake up screaming.
Covered in cold sweat, marks on my body where I have been scratching. 
Other nights I don’t sleep at all. 
I can’t shut my mind off. Or I pass out and wake up like I haven’t slept a moment.
Maybe I need help. 
Maybe it will go away. 
But I don’t know how to deal with it.
I don’t know how to fix me.

Beautiful <3

“You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they’re as dull as a brick? Then there’s other people, when you meet them you think, 'Not bad. They’re okay.' And then you get to know them and… and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality’s written all over it. And they just turn into something so… beautiful--" Nathan, you are the most beautiful man I have ever met. You've made me a better person, and you've helped me grow. You've opened my eyes to new possibilities, and encouraged me when I doubted myself. Made me believe I was beautiful when I hated what I saw in the mirror. Your kisses, your smile, the warmth of arms- have healed me, kept me safe, have been my sanctuary when I felt like I was falling apart.
You are absolutely the best and most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.
I love you Nathan Dwayne Juno. Happy anniversary <3

Changes--

So. I have one more chance at making things better at home, or I have to leave.

But right now things are normal.
For now.

So today Nathan and I got to see each other after my long ad stressful weekend, And I swear I felt that stress melt away from the moment I saw his smile.

On the way home I was looking at bar tending schools in california and one was in mountain view/ San Jose.
I randomly said out loud "Nathan, lets move to mountain view"
He replied with "we'd have to find jobs first, but we could do that. I like mountain view"
Maybe he was humoring me. Maybe he wasn't thinking about seriously. Hell, I don't think even I was thinking about it seriously then, but you know what? It really makes me wonder if he actually has thought that we could have a futur together at some point in our lives.
Now I can't stop looking at apartments.
Moving right now isn't ideal with the job situation and stuff, but maybe sometime next year, maybe we can c:

And that, my friends, has given me hope for my own future life.

I love you Nathan. With everything I could ever give you.
/J

A whore:

So Friday carina tells me that she'll take me to the renaissance faire if I give her gas money.
Yesterday I get picked up from Paul's and I tell carina bri was going with us. And ten both her and my mom start yelling at me saying they're not doing it because I said next week, when next week carina isn't even going to be here. Why would I ask her to take me next week if I knew she wasn't going to be here? So my mom begins to tell me that I ask for too much, and never give anything in return. That I won't amount to anything and I'll I've done is disrespect them and give them hell.
So I said, maybe you should of thought twice before opening your legs. Then you wouldn't of had me, and you wouldn't of had to bother with me. Or maybe should of left me at the hospital.
You should of let me die.
Then she said "at least I don't open my legs for every guy I've met. You let them use you an treat you like the whore you are"
"At least when I opened my legs, it was someone I married"
This morning Liz started to bitch at me because I had out up "my mom called me a slut" up on Facebook. Saying my mom didn't. So I told her to go ask her for herself. And she did. Then comes to my room and proceeds to botch at me that the only reason I was acting like that was because tet weren't taking me to the faire. But she wasn't there.. How would she know what went on? How could she possibly know how deep my mom cut me? So I'm a liar because I told the truth and decided to deny it, and place them blame on me...

So last night I couldn't put my knife down. I felt so low. I felt so betrayed. I felt so worthless. It took every ounce of being I had left to not drag that blade across my skin, to not let this old demon of mine win. I know that even now it clings to my back, it clings to my mind, begging me to do it.
But at the same time another voice is yelling at me to fight it. Another voice is trying to grasp what was left of me and save me.

:)

So today j went to the renaissance faire and went to the gelato stand to say Hi to Nathan, and he pulls me up to kiss him x3 /flail
And when he gets off work for lunch he pulled me to him and the first words out of his mouth were I Love You x3!!!! An then he gave me a little pewter figurine of a baby griffon /double flail

Im so happy it should be illegal.
Ive been in and out of the depressing rut, and every time I'm out of it, it's because something he had said or done, that fills me with so much joy, that it makes me wonder how I could of been so lucky to have someone like him to call mine. I don't even know how to repay him for all the things he has done for me <333

.-.

He was invited to a movie. I'm assuming it was /M who invited him. She's always inviting him to movies cuz she works at the theater.
They watched The Words. A romance/drama. I'm bothered.

C:

I needed that pick me up. I've been feeling so glum that I just needed him to reassure me that he loves me. I feel a lot better. Yesterday may have been the last day to spend that much time with him, but it was a day well spent <3
For the next five weeks, he'll be working at the renaissance faire, 80 minutes away in gilroy. So he's goong to try to come over Friday mornings and I'm going to try to go to the faire to see him on Sundays c: -flail- it will be my first renafaire. He says there are going to be a lot of people flirting with everyone 0.o
I'm going to try to flirt with my own boyfriend xD I dont even know how to to flirt. But it should be an interesting experience. He promised he'd behave so I believe him. It should still be fun :D
I love you <3
/J